 I've had to school completely clueless individuals recently. And it inspired this write-up. Because I am asked about my skin frequently, here's a brief F.A.Q:
Q: What are you?
Q: Are you naturally tan?
Now that that's out of the way...
PART ONE: Basic health.
DRINK WATER!
Want beautiful skin? DRINK WATER. Drink 8 cups a day. Not 8 cups of soda. Not 8 cups of tea. 8 cups of WATER. Soda does not count as water. Anything with sugar added does not count as water. Tea is good for you, but drink 8 cups of water in addition to the tea you consume. Sure, you'll be running to bathroom all day long, but you'll have better looking skin. And why is that? Because your skin is composed of skin cells, right? They need hydration to function well. So drink water.
EAT RIGHT!
When you're healthy your skin shows it. You have to start from the inside. Try your hardest to avoid processed food. I know this is extremely hard when you're poor. But it's actually cheaper to eat good food in the long run. You're spending less money now than if your health fails from eating all the toxic crap in other food, right? Not to mention all the cosmetic procedures you'll be tempted to try when your skin looks like crap! Even if you're cheap, buy and eat lots of fruits, veggies, and fiber. Try to eat fruits and vegetables daily.
ACTIVITY!
Try to find time for some minimal kind of exercise daily. Exercise affects the health of your skin. So ride your bike around, clean vigorously (you lazy sloth) or go for a jog. Just do something every day.
SLEEP!
“Beauty Sleep,” think about it. Your skin cells shed and regenerate while you're asleep. That's why you look like an ashy, sallow, gray bag of crap when you don't get enough sleep. Not that I'm insulting you, I'm just describing what my reflection looks like right now. (When I originally wrote this it was 6:18AM and I hadn't slept all night.) But if you don't want to look like crap like I do right now...sleep 8 hours a night every night. And take note, not sleeping well quickly and prematurely ages you. So all around, you look like shit when you don't sleep. Go to Sleep.
BATTLE STRESS
Meditate, go to the beach, visit a museum, murder people and bathe in their blood...just do something every day that makes you relax. Your skin will look better, you'll be healthier, you'll live longer, and rainbows and sunshine will shine out of your asshole. Stuff like that. I relax by writing, reading, gardening, drawing, writing, crafting stuff, cleaning, painting, etc. Find what makes you relax and engage it the activity at least once daily.
PART TWO: Stating the obvious
WASH YOUR DIRTY FACE
Wash your dirty fucking face. Wash it more than once. There's a surprising number of people who go to sleep and don't wash their faces first. DON'T DO THAT. The dirt and oil will clog your pores while you sleep and you'll break out. There are important steps to washing your face: cleansing, exfoliating and moisturizing. So maybe you know some people who skip all that and they look like Salma Hayek's flawless left titty- so what? You're not that person! Do these things!
PROPER Way to CLEANSE Your Face:
Wet your face, squirt a dime size amount into your hand, quickly run it over your face and rinse it off. This is how you do it, right?
WRONG! Here's the 3-Step Method For Making Your Cleanser More Effective.
Wash your face when you wake up in the morning and before you go to sleep.
EXFOLIATE
Your skin cells shed and regenerate. Dead skin cells accumulate on your face and make your complexion dull. Exfoliation sloughs them away, making you look radiant.
There's a cheap, simple way to exfoliate. Don't buy St. Ives Apricot Scrub ( the common and cheap option) or any other scrub. You can make your own with REFINED SUGAR! This might sound bizarre, but it's cheap, it works, and it's fun. Plus, this is a really economical option. A pound of refined granulated white sugar is really cheap. You can make a sugar scrub of your own and keep it in a jar in the bathroom, or...
You can grab a small handful of it, wet it enough so it makes a paste of the desired consistency in your hand, and proceed to scrub off the dead skin with it. You can also use the sugar scrub on your lips.
If you refuse to be a hardcore lumberjack like I am and rub sugar on your face, buy an exfoliator/scrub of some kind. But look at the back of the container and read the chemicals list. See all that shit you can't even read? You are rubbing THAT into your SKIN. Does sugar seem like the better option yet?
MOISTURIZE
If you have perfect dewy skin or you don't include moisturizing in your life and that works for you, skip this step. (Just don't blame me when you look like a wrinkled old hag in 10 years.) I have oily skin and have not found a 100% Organic product that's good for me. I use "Clean and Clear" oil-free moisturizer every day after I wash my face. It has Salicylic Acid so it's to be avoided if your skin is sensitive, but it's done the trick for me for years. It's very light and moisturizes without making my skin feel oily. A lot of Clinique's moisturizers seem to be very effective and gentle (but they're expensive, request it next time someone asks what you want for your birthday or for Christmas!) Finding the right moisturizer will take quite a bit of experimentation before you find something suited to you.
SO YOU'RE TOO LAZY TO DO ALL THAT EVERY DAY, eh?
Some nights you come home and throw yourself down on your bed; exhausted. You don't give a damn about washing your face.
Don't make a habit of this, but there's a “Secret Weapon” for this laziness:
BABY WIPES, keep some in the drawer by your bed and wipe away the day's filth before you crash. If they're gentle enough for newborn baby's ass, it's safe to use on your face. It's very good for wiping off makeup, especially eye make up.
You can also spend more on no-rinse face wipes. The ones made by Dove and Olay work well and can actually improve your skin's complexion (So they say...) Using one a night would be costly, however. You can cut the sheets in half and you'll have one for day and night. The sheets will still be big enough to use and effective. (My cheapness runs deep. It's in my soul.)
PART THREE: Extra Crap
HACKNEYED SKIN CARE...I skip it, so can you!
TONER
Overzealous toning leaves skin very dry, and your skin will make more oil to compensate! It's not natural for your skin to be SQUEAKY clean (it's not the kitchen FLOOR), so don't try to achieve this.
If toning if works for you, keep at it. But this is a step I'm glad to ignore.
NEVER use rubbing alcohol to tone your face! It's too harsh! A good toner to use is, surprisingly, hydrogen peroxide. This is the best if you have some open oozing pimple nastiness on your face. It will kill the offending bacteria causing the mess and help heal any sores quickly. Another good toner to use is (VERY) diluted tea tree oil. Your local hippie shop will carry it. It's very strong, so dilute it to the desired level of toning power.
MASK
Perhaps people get amazing results from using masks. This is an ancient ritual. There's also many recipes for making organic masks. But I never try these. Just too damn lazy. But try it if you think it will work for you! And share the results with me. I like reading that crap.
DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL?
Alcohol dries you out and leaves you a shallow husk. It slows down your metabolism, kills your brain cells, and you'll never live down the night you had too much of it when you were at that one party...
Don't care, I'm going to drink it!Yes sir I am! Besides, those Europeans and practically all doctors will tell you to drink a glass of wine a day.
SUN IS YOUR ENEMY
I love being outside, I love the sun. I'm always out gardening and enjoying beautiful weather. I know sun exposure is the principle thing that ages you, but I can't live my life darting from shadow to shadow to avoid sun exposure. When I know I'll be outside for a long time I do wear a high SPF sunblock, however. But don't avoid the sun completely to avoid wrinkles. If you live to old age you're going to look, well, old. You can't change that. Enjoy the world! Go outside!
KILL THEM WITH KNIVES
...just trying to make sure you're still paying attention.
CHANGE YOUR SCANKY PILLOW CASE EVERY NIGHT
I was first informed of this practice by a classmate in my Design class. She worked Full-Time as a Clinque saleswoman and had flawless skin.
She said she keeps her pillow layered with several layers of pillow cases. Each night she takes off the old one and tosses it in the wash. Why? Because dirt and oil from when you slumber is trapped in the pillow case, and rubs into your skin when you sleep face-first on it at night. Do you wake up with a breakout on your cheek(s) and chin where your face was on the pillow? You might need to try this practice.
Me, on the other hand, I'm still too lazy. Besides, my pillow of choice is giant and shaped like a butterfly fish. He'll lose his shape if I toss him in the wash all the time.
AVOID CAFFEINE, IT IS THE DEVIL INCARNATE
O.K...so I confess, I need to make the switch to decaf. Maybe it's my Hispanic roots but a cup of well made coffee with milk is a carnal pleasure. As a tight wad I recommend you make your own coffee, which is exponentially cheaper than the expensive garbage at Starfucks, ur bucks.
They say that caffeine will stunt your growth, stunt your hair growth and make it brittle, and it's addictive. But dammit, delicious coffee..I cannot resist you!
DON'T DO THIS STUPID BULLSHIT:
NO Toothpaste on your FACE
Back in the day some supermodels did a special (or something) discussing beauty tips. Tyra Banks said she rubs a bit of toothpaste on a troublesome zit each night to “dry it out” DO NOT DO THIS. Toothpaste is harsh stuff, it does not belong on your face. E-mail me if you want to know horrifying result that happened to me for trying this garbage. I will not bore the rest of the readers with the tale.
NEVER PICK or POP
O.K..when a big disgusting tumor the size of a steering wheel is staring at me in the face and taunting me, I want to destroy it. I must. So confess, you've picked at pimples. You've tried to resist, but you can't. Well, try harder. Because it'll leave a scar. You'll remember your deed for a long, long time to come. If you succumb to the pressure, do the following.
A word about OVERDOING it
Don't use a mask, wash, exfoliate, and tone your face in one night. I used to “overdo” it. It doesn't work and will make things worse. Like I previously stated, if you over wash your face and don't moisturize your skin will become very oily to compensate for this. If you have dry skin, your skin will feel like sandpaper.
HOW TO GET RID OF YOUR GIANT PIMPLE OVERNIGHT
It takes time for this pimple to go away and heal on its own. But in the meantime you have what looks like a giant horn growing out of the middle of your damn forehead. And you're impatient....you're going to read a million solutions on what to do. From "buy this product" to "rub it with the cold anus of a goose." Chances are...it's not going to work...
Make a deal with Satan himself, Beelzebub, The Lord of the Flies, Anubis, Hades or some other Force of Evil/God of the Underworld. This is the one and only true way to zap a zit overnight. If you think your soul is more important than getting rid of a pimple, try any of the suggestions below instead.
TO CONCLUDE: Beauty products I HIGHLY recommend
While scouring local antique shops I happened upon these beauty products by Earth 'n Sea Naturals, a local Jacksonville business. So far I've tried the lemon grass lotion, the lavender lotion, the peppermint lip balm, the cuticle butter, shaving soap and their new Calendula face soap. I highly recommend it. They're affordable, concentrated, and immediately affective. Because they are 100% organic and gentle they might be of interest to people with sensitive skin. You're getting a product that works three times better that store bought crap full of alcohol that dries your skin out AND when you buy it, it comes with the automatic satisfaction of giving big business the middle finger and supporting small business and local artists! I can't wait to try all of their products, this makes me want to throw out every non organic product I own...Almost. Earth 'n Sea Naturals is carried at Cross Country Antique Store, and 3 Eclectic Chicks Art Boutique. You can also get these products from their website,
I mentioned Clean and Clear oil-free acne moisturizer before. You can get it at basically any store, and I haven't found anything better to replace it with yet. It's light weight, moisturizes well, doesn't dry out my skin like other moisturizers with salicylic acid can (defeating the purpose of it being a MOISTURIZER) and it feels nice. It's not as affordable as it used to be, and I don't like it ridiculously long ingredients list- so even though I've used this to good results since about eight grade, I want to find something organic that works just as well for oily skin. Any suggestions?
Issues, Complaints & Share
Have any suggestions? Did I get something wrong? Do you want more? I can provide all these services to you, and more! I intentionally cut out a bunch of crap I wrote. But if you're actually interested in all of this, e-mail me and I'll include the rest of the writings. Hopefully this helped at least one poor lost soul. If this article is a success, I may continue with a detailed list of easy to make home made beauty crap.
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